sometimes i wonder, when will this finally be over? people have got to do something, if they can’t take it anymore. but people keep on taking it. people are so adaptable, and the beautiful soul mentality sets in.
it gets tiring, as days go by, and i lose track of those days, huge blocks of time dedicated to doing absolutely nothing at my work. i originally thought i could think while working, if i had my routine down pat, but my routine got the best of me, deadening my senses. i just say shit to say shit, sometimes, something i never did before. these days are wearing on me, i wish i could just party and drown my thoughts but they continue festering onto my grey matter like boils.
my biggest fear is that all the side projects i do will be in vain. going in and out of various scenes, yet still holding this ‘commitment’ to whatever it is i am committed to makes me realize maybe i should have just not ever gone down the path i have taken, its as if i’ve been condemned. then i remember my path isn’t any different than others have taken, its the same goddamn thing, just a little bit more appealing, a therapeutic function to an increasingly insane world. its hard to keep sane sometimes, all the thoughts rush forward, i want to read so much, write so much, do so much, be so much, but i have such little time, and the time i do have is so overwhelming in its smallness. so much needs to get done, and it is too much.
living simpler has been one of my primary goals. but stress, anxiety, depression, anger, sadness always come back full circle. i can’t talk to people on a ‘normal’ basis, whatever the hell that is. i sometimes feel like i had made a mistake, but it is too late.
maybe one day something will happen. the Event will come, and we will all be redeemed. but as i look around, a sense of deep pessimism drains me of any optimism, and i realize that we are completely fucked. oh man, people can take so goddamn much…and why is this seen as a trait of strength? the weak man is seen to be the one that always complains, but if we all shut the fuck up, then we will increasingly drown in this unreality.
culture: a dead husk, smells like its been rotting for awhile now.
